Infertility, unexpected change for me & “us”

I never thought it would, or that I would allow it too but it creeps in. Infertility has changed me, Infertility has changed our relationship and Infertility has turned my world into something I could never prepare for. I didn’t think I would ever be this person I really didn’t. The last couple of weeks I just had that feeling that something didn’t feel normal; I didn’t feel right and my whole environment felt completely out of balance. I woke up this morning, had my shower and as I stood there towelling myself dry I looked at the reflection in the mirror. It then started like a tap, my eyes glazed over and tears began to trickle down my face. I just stood still and asked myself “how did I end up here, like this?” I don’t admit it very often, but it hurts, every part of this process has slowly taken a piece of me over the last two years and you find that you end up at a point when it just hits you. It hits you along the way in small doses but then every now and then it hits you with a big thud and stops you in your tracks. It’s like it forces you to acknowledge it and find a way to deal with it whether you are ready or not it’s like you are left with no choice but to face it.

My man and I have been together for over five years and I love him with everything I believe love to be. However he is so extremely black and white, never any shades of grey and dealing with a man so strong willed and stubborn when you are walking through territory completely unknown can make it all that more overwhelming. I am the opposite, although I am strong and focussed when I set myself challenges particularly throughout my career; I achieve them, however when it comes to my personal life I can be indecisive, a massive over thinker, a control freak, unpredictable and highly emotional and completely hormonal (thanks PCOS!). You wrap all of these things in with trying to overcome infertility and I can become a little irrational and somewhat unstable.

He says that I am losing more of myself, I am not the person I was and I am constantly seeking reassurance. I hate him for this, where is his compassion and empathy and desire to help me find myself again? I don’t want this to become a poor me sob story but I felt I needed to share these feelings, maybe I am seeking affirmation that how I am feeling and what this journey does to you is completely normal and maybe I need to know that although this is changing me, am I ever going to find that part of me again that I once was and that my man remembered as being the best of me?

He loves me I know that, I know he wants our family and has committed to this process even though this is not something he ever thought he would have to sign up for, but neither did I and a piece of me just wants to feel like we are walking a little more in the same direction and acknowledge that yes infertility can change you, can change how a couple was but it can also bring you together more than you ever knew possible if you allow it. I wish he would allow it too…

4 Comments

  1. My husband and I are facing something similar. The stress of infertility has changed our relationship and ourselves. During our five and half years together almost four of those years were taken up by ttc. Somewhere along the way we lost “us” and our individual selves. I totally know what you are feeling. I don’t have an answer but we have started actively trying to get “us” and ourselves back. It is helping.

  2. I’m so sorry about this, I hate how infertility makes you question yourself and your relationship. It’s so trying in so many ways. Finding the strength seems impossibly harder everyday. The thought of losing yourself is heartbreaking but everyday I see a little bit of myself break away. So what you’re feeling is so understandable and relatable. I’m so sorry you’re going though it too xx

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