I never thought it would, or that I would allow it too but it creeps in. Infertility has changed me, Infertility has changed our relationship and Infertility has turned my world into something I could never prepare for. I didn’t think I would ever be this person I really didn’t. The last couple of weeks I just had that feeling that something didn’t feel normal; I didn’t feel right and my whole environment felt completely out of balance. I woke up this morning, had my shower and as I stood there towelling myself dry I looked at the reflection in the mirror. It then started like a tap, my eyes glazed over and tears began to trickle down my face. I just stood still and asked myself “how did I end up here, like this?” I don’t admit it very often, but it hurts, every part of this process has slowly taken a piece of me over the last two years and you find that you end up at a point when it just hits you. It hits you along the way in small doses but then every now and then it hits you with a big thud and stops you in your tracks. It’s like it forces you to acknowledge it and find a way to deal with it whether you are ready or not it’s like you are left with no choice but to face it.
My man and I have been together for over five years and I love him with everything I believe love to be. However he is so extremely black and white, never any shades of grey and dealing with a man so strong willed and stubborn when you are walking through territory completely unknown can make it all that more overwhelming. I am the opposite, although I am strong and focussed when I set myself challenges particularly throughout my career; I achieve them, however when it comes to my personal life I can be indecisive, a massive over thinker, a control freak, unpredictable and highly emotional and completely hormonal (thanks PCOS!). You wrap all of these things in with trying to overcome infertility and I can become a little irrational and somewhat unstable.
He says that I am losing more of myself, I am not the person I was and I am constantly seeking reassurance. I hate him for this, where is his compassion and empathy and desire to help me find myself again? I don’t want this to become a poor me sob story but I felt I needed to share these feelings, maybe I am seeking affirmation that how I am feeling and what this journey does to you is completely normal and maybe I need to know that although this is changing me, am I ever going to find that part of me again that I once was and that my man remembered as being the best of me?
He loves me I know that, I know he wants our family and has committed to this process even though this is not something he ever thought he would have to sign up for, but neither did I and a piece of me just wants to feel like we are walking a little more in the same direction and acknowledge that yes infertility can change you, can change how a couple was but it can also bring you together more than you ever knew possible if you allow it. I wish he would allow it too…