Gratitude and Acceptance – Infertility No Longer Defines Me

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It’s been almost a month now since I have taken up my new title/s of “House Wife”, “Domestic Goddess”, “House Bitch”, “Lady of Leisure”; any will do and I think I have been titled them all at some stage. I have never been the type of person who would have ever pictured myself being domestically in tune. I have been a career driven woman in her 20’s for the past several years and prior to this I would hardly say that in my late teens to early twenties that I was ever one to prioritise the weekly meal planner or remember what day of the week the bins had to be put out for collection, or spend my weekends baking cakes and slices just because I might enjoy it. No, instead I was very ambitious in other aspects of my life, aiming to climb the corporate ladder and to be honest my hobbies were also centred around my need to have the competitive edge.

I was an avid Texas hold ’em poker player, sometimes playing as many as 4 – 5 times a week. The high it used to give me, playing mind games with a table of very competitive people, no two the same and when I could knock them out one by one it used to give me a sense of accomplishment. In fact I think this was when I realised that being female wasn’t a disadvantage if you worked it the right way. I think some of the men who played used to undermine me and think I was sweet, I had no shame in using the stereo type they portrayed me to be to my advantage. I think everything I learnt playing poker helped me to strengthen my spirit and prepare me for the years to follow. Having spent the last 6 years in the mining industry, starting at the bottom of the chain and slowly earning my stripes up the ladder has all served its purpose, I just never realised until now what that was.

My career promotions never came to me easily, and I proud of that because working hard for something you want forces you to confront every part of your being and become a better person than you were yesterday. No one could have known what the next challenge in my life was going to be, it was confronting yet I have been up for the challenge the whole way.

Yes I am infertile, yes I have PCOS, yes we have been trying for our first child for years now and yes I have had my downer days just like anyone else, I am not immune to that, but what I am now is grateful. I am grateful for my infertility experience, I am grateful for every experience in my life to date because it has all prepared me for where we are now and what I must face. No woman deserves to have to deal with infertility, but infertility does not have to define you, it doesn’t have to become you and it sure doesn’t make you a failure or any less of a woman.

I openly talk about my experiences with infertility and trying to conceive with my family and friends and I was completely shocked to discover just how many people I knew who were relieved to be able to say back to me; “me too!” I quickly learnt I was not alone in my journey, my story is so many others story, all searching for the same thing. I have found the same thing online too, blog after blog of women all suffering and feeling that same emptiness, to fill their desire to be a mother, to love a being more than any love that you know, to feel complete joy and fill that part of your soul that has been yearning for something more than yourself for such a long time. To be a mother is a blessing, some blessing take longer than others and patients is becoming a virtue I am learning to embrace. It is ok. I am ok with waiting and whilst I wait I am going to visualise what I long for and one day it will come to fruition.

I’m sorry if I am coming across a little bit like a preacher, or too confronting and direct, I really don’t want to offend anyone or dismiss anyone’s feelings; you are all completely entitled to feel how you feel if it helps yourself cope with the hand you have been dealt. However along my journey I have found that being miserable and depressed has not worked for me in the past, I only manifested more of that dark place I didn’t want to be in. Instead I choose to maintain as much positivity in my life as I can, when I find my thoughts wondering south I consciously redirect my thoughts and I now use my fertility visualisation board to help me do that. This all sounds a bit corny I know and a little hippy and weird right?!? For me this works, this feels better than I have been feeling for a long time. I have found a sense of emotional maturity about myself trying to understand and cope with my experiences and for that I am also grateful; I am becoming a better version of me.

I have posted before on my blog that my sisters all have children, my youngest sister is also currently 22 weeks pregnant; and I think I had said at the time that I was envious, jealous and I found it difficult to see them all with everything I have only ever dreamed of. I can now say I truly don’t feel this way anymore; I have found a way to work through my emotions and find acceptance. What was it the other day, I was listening to a web cast from Oprah’s Super Soul Sunday and what stuck with me through this interview was the words “Seeing things as they are and surrending to it, everything in life serves its purpose”. For me this was one of those moments that sung to me and I just got it! I understood what those words really meant to me and my life.

To finish this post and on something a little lighter, to bring it back to what I had commenced saying at the beginning… since making the choice to resign from work to focus more on a healthier balanced lifestyle I have been learning more about me. I enjoy writing, learning to improve my cooking skills (see this morning’s attempt at homemade veggie soup! p.s. there is fresh bread baking in the oven too!!), baking, spending time with my dogs, shopping, a little pampering, reading, I have found new TV series that I am now obsessed with and I can find myself lost within the story line for hours, I enjoy the company of friends over a morning coffee, my boyfriend and I find more time to actually talk to each other rather than just “being there”, I have been attending gym classes, I have started spring cleaning, I have signed up to complete a diploma via correspondence and for the first year in many years I am actually prepared for Christmas. Although some mornings I wake up without clear purpose for my day and tend to fluff around not achieving too much at all; I now say that that’s ok too.

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In just a few short weeks we start out first IVM/IVF cycle, of course I am hopeful that we are one of the lucky few couples who have immediate success on round one, but if this isn’t meant to be then we move forward and we look to the next cycle. I am becoming a realist more than a dreamer these days and I think it helps me get through.

Enjoy your day and thanks for reading 🙂

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