9dp5dt first Beta was 36, diminishing hope :(

It has been a couple of days since my first BETA but only yesterday that I received the call. My beta was only 36 for 9dp5dt. Before she even said it I knew she was ringing with less than perfect news. The tone in her voice when I answered the phone said enough, words were not needed.

I thought going through my first miscarriage was painful enough, to think this is happening again is heartbreaking. I have been told to prepare for the worst however there is still a chance I just had a low first beta so I go in for my second beta Monday.

I couldn’t tell you how many times I prayed this cycle, how many times I spoke to what ever higher power is out there, how many times I spoke to an empty room and said thank you thank you thank you for my blessing out loud in hope that all this gratitude I was expressing would somehow make this little one stick and grow my chances of being a mum.

I never wanted to think about our Plan B, our lonely embryo in the freezer, it is now however feeling like this is becoming our new reality… round 2! I shouldn’t be thinking all this already but my mind is going faster than I can keep up with and I’m thinking how are we going to fit in round 2 as quickly as I want to? I don’t think we can. February I am away for much of the month so its feeling like we will have to wait until beginning of March. IF that’s the case; I will probably want to do a fresh cycle IVM / ICSI and hope to retrieve more eggs in hope we have enough for one to transfer and more to freeze. Perhaps then if we need future cycles we will have enough to do FET instead for a while. I hate thinking like this but it feels like its the new reality ahead.

I still pray there is a glimmer of hope to hold onto that Monday there is a rise in the beta number, something in me however knows better and that I may need to come to terms with the fact that this just hasn’t quite worked out to be the fairy tale ending I was hoping for in our first IVM cycle.

I will be sure to update Tuesday.

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