I once posted that Infertility no longer defines me, that it no longer had a hold on my life and I refused to give it power. Rather I chose acceptance, identified with it and made steps in my life to keep moving forward, to believe that everything I dreamt of, visualised and hoped for will one day come to fruition.
This week has made me question my beliefs and had a temporary lapse in my way of thinking. I wouldn’t call myself overly religious but I do believe that there is a higher power out there that somehow exists in all of this. I am not sure that I call “it” God, but in times of weakness and deep sadness with this weeks events I found myself crying, alone in my bedroom, staring towards the ceiling and managing to muffle out the words ; “why me?”, “why is this happening again?”, “was I not grateful enough?”, “am I not worthy of such a blessing”, “is this pain meant to teach me a lesson?”, “is this pain meant to strengthen my spirit and make me more resilient”, “why?!?” “I don’t understand”, “why are you taking another one from me?”. Of course there would be no response, but I needed to feel like I could scream out how I was feeling and release it so it didn’t consume me. Miscarriage number 2, confirmed today by my second beta…..3.
As I am sure it has with so many walking a similar path to my own, this journey can’t help but not only change you, but also change the relationships around you. For me, my boyfriend and I have had our love and strength tested so many times. Over the last 2 years we have had many moments, the most recent as last night. I forget how this must affect him; it’s not happening to his body but it must be hard, the reoccurring disappointment and frustrations of it all. It must be frustrating and heartbreaking for men who stand by their woman trying to be strong but on the inside feeling completely helpless and trying to process their own hurt and emotions that they don’t even quite understand. He said a few things to me last night that really hurt at first. I couldn’t get why he would say such things…. “I just want this all over”, “I want the old you back before all of this”, “I don’t want out lives to be on hold anymore, I want to move forward and put this behind us”, “I want the you that wasn’t fucked up with hormones that drive you insane”, “I just want us back!”. I left the room, completely silent, walked away and cried… again alone. He went out to his man cave, cranked up the music and I didn’t see him for hours.
In the meantime I messaged my mum, I needed her words of wisdom to help pick me up from this dark place I find myself in. Her response could not have been more perfect. She wrote:
“sweetheart, I’m hearing you, but here’s the thing. Everything you just said is exactly the kind of thing that someone says when major life changes force the relationship to change. Changing or losing a job, illness, having a child, moving home, etc. All these life events cause enormous shifts in what we think is normal. You know the normal we refer to when we say I wish things were back to the way they were etc. The thing is there is no possibility of experiencing change, growth and development without experiencing the struggle, adjustment, challenge and new experience. What you are going through, the both of you, is actually similar to what you will go through when you become parents. Perhaps you both need to reflect on that and consider the possibility that the universe if offering you a glimpse and an opportunity? I have never been a person to regret my choices and decisions in life, as I believe we make our choices and decisions with the best of the knowledge we have at the time. Neither of you should get caught up in the emotional garbage that comes with such a huge life experience such as that which you are both going through. Try if you can to ride with it. Learn about and from each other. Honour each others god given right to experience events and circumstances in whatever way it happens, and don’t try to change each other or each others thoughts. Just accept and be receptive to what is. It is what it is, and then move forward. What you are experiencing is normal, expected and temporary. I pray that you find a way to reach through what may seem to be an insurmountable mountain. Love mum xx”
I am so thankful for my mum’s wise words, she always knows what to say and how to pick me up. Her words helped me find my strength again, to get on with things, find a way forward and restore my faith. My boyfriend came back inside, he sincerely apologised for his outburst and I accepted his apology. So this was all last night, and this morning I was able to wake up feeling a little stronger than yesterday, and I hope every morning gets that little bit easier. I spoke to the fertility nurse today, the doctors had discussed my situation and we all agreed it best that we go straight into another cycle using our frozen embryo. So here we go again! This time I am staying away from HPT’s, TWW sites that analyse every symptom and just going to get on with life and wait until the blood test. The agony that HPT’s cause is not worth it. They amp you up to get so excited and then there is always the possibility your whole world can come crashing down, so this time “What’s meant to be will always find its way”.