It’s definitely been a difficult week, an emotional rollercoaster from the time egg retrieval was carried out right up until today. Today the lab at the fertility clinic confirmed that only 1 little embryo made it to freezing and unfortunately our other hopeful’s fell off the baby train.
It’s been an emotional cycle, probably more so that the first one because we started with such a high number of eggs from our retrieval, I think perhaps I set myself with false hope. We retrieved a total of 22 eggs, and compared to our first cycle attempt of 7 eggs this was a HUGE improvement in volume. However 24 hours after egg retrieval our number dropped to just 9, 9 eggs that matured overnight. From that 9 only 4 fertilised properly, then from that 4 only 1 made it to Day 5 Blastocyst stage and the others failed to develop properly. Every milestone this cycle the news seemed to worsen and I got to a point yesterday where I completely broke down. I have acquired a lot of strength through this process, I think we have too to keep going; but yesterday I reached my limit and I couldn’t contain or make sense of my emotions much more and I completely lost it. The pain hurt so deep that it came from the pit of my stomach and I couldn’t stop the flood gates and I cried for hours. I couldn’t work out why I was crying, it was just a combination of so much, I think I was grieving and sadned for the loss of the 21 other hopefuls I was wishing for this cycle which just didn’t stand a chance.
I know I need to remain grateful for the blessing of having 1 surviving strong embryo in waiting for me next month, and if this little one can stick with me this time I will be forever grateful for the gift of life; what’s hard is knowing that there is no “back up” option. It sounds horrible to say it like that, but one of the things you hope for during IVM and IVF cycles is that you will be given more opportunities for second chances; and this time I don’t have any. Instead I will need to brace myself for another fresh cycle and that again is going to take more strength than I know I have right now, both for me and my partner.
Last night was a shocker, my partner completely lost it straight at me too, we ended up in a screaming match that escalated way out of control. I ended up curled up under our dooner crying some more and he grabbed his bike helmet and sped off into the night and didn’t return for hours. When he finally returned we spoke little words, but this morning as the situation defused he wrote to me and said “I will never stop loving you”. Well that started me crying all over again, but for the right reasons. I needed to hear it, I needed him in this with me. Men just don’t and can’t understand what a woman goes through when facing infertility and reoccurring disappointments over and over again for years at a time whilst feeling an overwhelming and constant need to become a mother. Our maternal instinct is so strong and we hold on so tight that the let down can seem impossible to breakthrough. But somehow, we do.
For now I am back in waiting, the egg transfer will happen at the end of May and for now I will see out the next few days of Provera, start back on the pill for 21 days and then again commence my next round of HRT. I am praying for our miracle, and that our one little survivor is all we need. xx