OMG yes I’m pregnant but surprise !?!?

I can’t even think how to write this any other way other than to say this week came as the biggest, scariest, most terrifying shock of my life whilst at the same time being my life’s greatest blessing.

It’s been confirmed, we have 2 heartbeats! TWINS!! I still can’t believe it.


My hcg levels never suggested more than one, at 14dpiui it was 382, a week later 3,900, then 33,200 then 76,000 at 7 weeks. Progesterone has stayed around 100 without any support.

After all we have been through, the countless number of cycles and different treatments, $10’s of $1,000’s of dollars and would you believe what worked? A converted IVF to IUI cycle! Unbelievable. I am so truly blessed I still am in complete shock.

Off to see the sonographer Monday for a full scan including measurements and heartbeats. Wow!

It’s been a while but guess what?!?

First I have to apologize for the amount of time I have been away from my blog. The last few months have been a little intense and I needed to just focus all of my attention and effort on my life and getting things in order, and unfortunately that was at the expense of my blog.

Lots has changed in a few months. I have started a new job, we have continued to get our home renovations underway, and we underwent a whole heap more treatment. Since our first IVM cycle when we suffered an early miscarriage, we went on to use our remaining frozen embryo and did an FET cycle. That was unsuccessful. So we tried again, another fresh cycle of IVM and out of 22 eggs collected only 1 made it to transfer. Again, BFN.

We made the decision to switch to IVF with ICSI and in August we started the cycle. Didn’t quite turn out the way we expected but it sure ended the way I have always dreamed of. I started on 100iu of gonal f, I thought this was very low but they were too nervous to increase my dose early on due to my PCOS.

Well a long story short, I didn’t stimulate very well but I had amazing lining. In the end we had 2 follicles at 17 and 16 mm, I was offered the choice to either ramp up the dosage and see if we could recruit more but could risk having none or convert the cycle to IUI.

We decided to go to IUI and it was the best decision of our lives. We triggered with 2 follies and a lining of 11.2mm, and now we are PREGNANT! Yes it worked. IUI worked for us and I just can’t believe it.

This was the hot from the day of BETA on Thursday and it came back at 382 for 14dpiui


Now I am driving myself crazy hoping and praying our numbers are rising nicely, I have been a bit of a poas addict, this is what my hpt looks like today at 17dpiui. It’s been this dark for days and so I am assuming this is as dark as the test gets. I wish it could tell me what’s happening inside me. Lol


I started with lots of symptoms and now they have all gone. It’s nerve wracking having no symptoms, so I can’t wait until they come back so I feel a little reassured that things are really happening in there.

So that’s me updated, in pregnant and can’t believe it. I feel blessed!

The Waiting Game

It really isn’t because I have been forgetful, more that I just haven’t had anything exciting to write about as you tend to be in a holding pattern between cycles and I don’t want to bore you with writing about non related jargon. I keep my twitter updated in between with ridiculous little comments that enter my head randomly however to write a post on my blog; well I tend to like it to be a little more inspiring and to share my story really.

So here I am, currently on Estrogen 2mg x 3 times per day and I go for my first lining scan tomorrow afternoon hoping to see nothing except a fantastic 10mm lining! Wishful thinking but that’s what I am hoping for. Being that this is a FET cycle (with our last little egg mind you), we have a bit of flexibility with the transfer date. I didn’t quite intend for it to come about on this day, but we have it scheduled for Friday the 13th!! Eek. I am going to maintain that this day brings good luck and is not in any way connected with the normal superstitious thoughts that only bad things happen on this day.

Actually I am really grateful this cycle, I fly to Perth for the transfer and shortly after I fly to Brisbane to go and visit my sister and my new niece! What a perfect way to spend the 2WW, with family and babies. It can only bring positive energies and thoughts right. I am continuing to believe this is it, after the retrieval, to start with 22 and end up with just 1 egg I am praying that it was for a really good reason./ This egg was the strongest of the bunch and we didn’t need any more than what we have.

I continue to battle with my weight, up and down between 65 – 70kg like a yo-yo. I think it is a combination of the hormones, my excessive appetite for anything sweet and my non existent willpower to stay clear of carbohydrates, chocolate and all things bad for me. Every Monday I start a new diet which by Thursday I have completely screwed and then continue to eat crap over the weekend, followed by another pledge to eat well come Monday again. Classic response for a women and even more indicative of a women with PCOS! I know, I am only cheating myself and my success, this will continue to be my downfall unless some god damn miracle happens and can get inside my complicated emotional mess in my head.

What else….. I am beginning to feel the pinch of being in my 30’s. Turning 30 now doesn’t seem as bad as the idea of turning 30 something!! The idea of turning 30 something whilst still trying to conceive miracle baby number 1 is actually terrifying. Then you start thinking, well hell I actually want a miracle baby number 2 as well so what number in the 30 something category am I going to be when that happens?!? If it happens. See all this time waiting around in a holding pattern whilst trying to conceive is mentally dangerous and shouldn’t be allowed. Having these month long breaks in between active cycles gives your head way too much time and scope to think about things that really you wish you never had to think about. I have spent countless days googling and scrolling through posts on Pinterest for new hobby ideas to try and find myself some inspiration to preoccupy my time with something more productive than TTC thoughts all the time. I seem to be going around in circles with that too at the moment as once I go “oh that’s a great idea”, or “wow that’s amazing I want to do that”; then I actually start googling the supplies to do it, work out the cost involved, how long its going to take for delivery and then I completely turn myself off the idea and move onto the next because it all just didn’t feel that worth it. Wow, yep I am losing it aren’t I?!?

So, once I have another more interesting update to share I will definitely do so. Cross your fingers and toes for me that baby dust comes my way in June and that the 13th is a blessing and not a sign of bad luck. xxx

What a week, reflections of our recent IVM & ICSI Cycle

It’s definitely been a difficult week, an emotional rollercoaster from the time egg retrieval was carried out right up until today. Today the lab at the fertility clinic confirmed that only 1 little embryo made it to freezing and unfortunately our other hopeful’s fell off the baby train.

It’s been an emotional cycle, probably more so that the first one because we started with such a high number of eggs from our retrieval, I think perhaps I set myself with false hope. We retrieved a total of 22 eggs, and compared to our first cycle attempt of 7 eggs this was a HUGE improvement in volume. However 24 hours after egg retrieval our number dropped to just 9, 9 eggs that matured overnight. From that 9 only 4 fertilised properly, then from that 4 only 1 made it to Day 5 Blastocyst stage and the others failed to develop properly. Every milestone this cycle the news seemed to worsen and I got to a point yesterday where I completely broke down. I have acquired a lot of strength through this process, I think we have too to keep going; but yesterday I reached my limit and I couldn’t contain or make sense of my emotions much more and I completely lost it. The pain hurt so deep that it came from the pit of my stomach and I couldn’t stop the flood gates and I cried for hours. I couldn’t work out why I was crying, it was just a combination of so much, I think I was grieving and sadned for the loss of the 21 other hopefuls I was wishing for this cycle which just didn’t stand a chance.

I know I need to remain grateful for the blessing of having 1 surviving strong embryo in waiting for me next month, and if this little one can stick with me this time I will be forever grateful for the gift of life; what’s hard is knowing that there is no “back up” option. It sounds horrible to say it like that, but one of the things you hope for during IVM and IVF cycles is that you will be given more opportunities for second chances; and this time I don’t have any. Instead I will need to brace myself for another fresh cycle and that again is going to take more strength than I know I have right now, both for me and my partner.

Last night was a shocker, my partner completely lost it straight at me too, we ended up in a screaming match that escalated way out of control. I ended up curled up under our dooner crying some more and he grabbed his bike helmet and sped off into the night and didn’t return for hours. When he finally returned we spoke little words, but this morning as the situation defused he wrote to me and said “I will never stop loving you”. Well that started me crying all over again, but for the right reasons. I needed to hear it, I needed him in this with me. Men just don’t and can’t understand what a woman goes through when facing infertility and reoccurring disappointments over and over again for years at a time whilst feeling an overwhelming and constant need to become a mother. Our maternal instinct is so strong and we hold on so tight that the let down can seem impossible to breakthrough. But somehow, we do.

For now I am back in waiting, the egg transfer will happen at the end of May and for now I will see out the next few days of Provera, start back on the pill for 21 days and then again commence my next round of HRT. I am praying for our miracle, and that our one little survivor is all we need. xx

New to PCOS and Assisted Fertility? Then read on!!

I have felt an overwhelming need to write and I am not yet in a position to provide any exciting updates on my own progress as I’m stuck in a holding pattern while we wait to start our next cycle of treatment at the end of the month. So instead I am going to use this opportunity to write something that I think might just help out some of you who have perhaps been recently diagnosed with PCOS and are about to embark upon your own journeys of Trying to Conceive “TTC” through various Assisted Fertility methods. This is just a summary of my experience’s, my opinions and my tried and tested methods of Assisted Fertility “AF” treatments over the past 2 1/2 years.

Back in Dec 2011, I don’t think I really understood much about any of this. All I knew was that a PCOS diagnosis was not good news and it came with additional struggles to have our first baby. I have to say I didn’t waste any time at all, I immediately consulted with our local gynaecologist, I wanted to tackle my condition aggressively and I was so thankful that I stumbled across my now gynaecologist who was completely on the same page as me! Tip number 1, doctor selection is so critical. You want, no actually you need to feel like you are being heard, that you have a connection with, that you’re not just another patient and that you can build a relationship with. This helped for me. If another man is going to be looking down stairs for what feels like more often than my boyfriend sometimes, then I sure as hell need to feel like there is some type of understanding, trust or something like that to just take the uncomfortableness out of it anyway! I now joke around with my doctor that every time I have an appointment that he strips me of my dignity and it gets left at the door every time. He tells me its all in preparation for when we do have a baby!

So here are some of my pointers and opinions, like I said these are only based on experiences, knowledge and research…. I am no doctor ok!


Now that I have been in the blogging and forum communities for a while now, I tend to notice that a lot of women have plenty of unanswered questions of which some really should be answered by your doctor. Sure, fertility forums are amazing and serve their place but I am here to say that the best advice I can give is to be prepared! Go to your appointments as prepared as you can be, geared with lots of questions, and research, research, research. Take responsibility and control over your body and what’s going to come your way so that you can take an active role in your treatment to build your confidence for what can be a long journey.

I was a little apprehensive about doing this at the beginning. I was nervous that my specialist might think I was trying to tell him how to do his job or question his professional opinion. Instead, reality was actually quite the opposite and he welcomed the opportunity to answer the one million questions I threw at him. In fact I think he was a little impressed that I took the time to learn more about my options than to sit back and expect him to do all the hard work for me. This has served me well, because now that I am dealing with multiple doctors and nurses, it definitely helps that I stepped up my game earlier on and sought out to know just as much about my condition as they do. They don’t mean to but sometimes you can be thrown from doctor to doctor, nurse to nurse as that’s just the way it is sometimes and the more you can help communicate your history to them the better. It makes communication a lot easier and they are more upfront with you I think because you come across so confident. Things that I tend to know off by heart now is what cycle days I’m on, what drugs I took on what dates, hormone injections and pills and each of their dosages and how each made me feel.


Ok, so for me I have kind of had a dose of it all and over the past 2 plus years I have escalated our types of treatment as detailed below. Just remember everyone is different and this is just what was recommended by my specialist and agreed to by me!

Step 1, it seems to always be Metformin. This is almost like a ‘staple’ of the PCOS treatment guide, starting you on a low dose and gradually increasing it to your optimal level. For me I started at 500mg a day and I am now on 1500mg, likely for the rest of my life. Apparently these little white tabs can be used for lowering insulin and blood sugar levels in women by decreasing the level of androgen’s produced by the ovaries and adrenal glands. And all of this is supposed to help try and regulate your cycles and potentially could see you ovulate on your own. 

Metformin as a treatment choice on its own didn’t work for me, however I coupled this with our other ongoing treatments and will continue to do this as it has had a positive impact on my body.

Read more about Metformin here: 

Step 2. Clomid, OMG oh how I hated Clomid!! This stuff, yet another small white pill had the most side effects of all the treatment options I have had to date. I wouldn’t want to go there again but it is definitely one of the first types of treatment options to consider. It’s no where near as invasive, expensive or complicated as other options but just be prepared for mood swings, hot sweats, headaches, pimples, bloating, emotional outbursts and just a feeling of being a little out of your mind for a week or so. Apparently this is all completely normal so I guess don’t be too alarmed!

I took this for 3 cycles, I did manage to ovulate once but didn’t become pregnant. By the end of the third attempt my specialist and I both agreed it was time to move on to something else.

Step 3. This is not traditionally recommended as a standard option by many specialists anymore but I decided to give it a go. I did Laparoscopic Ovarian Drilling back in August 2012. The idea of it is that by drilling / burning into a few small cysts on your ovaries that lower male hormones in your body. I definitely noticed benefits from this procedure, my cycles naturally got shorter, I believe I ovulated once or twice too however the benefits were short lived and last about 3 menstrual cycles. 

This website has a short description of the procedure and has a link to a video too which might be helpful! or go to for more info too.

Step 3. My specialist decided it was time to step things up a notch and try Puregon Injections. Puregon contains the active substance follitropin beta and is a powder and solvent made up into a solution for injection. It can be used for women who are anovulatory (do not produce eggs) (and yes that’s us PCOS peeps!!) and do not respond to treatment with clomiphene citrate (as described above “Clomid”). I tried Puregon on its own as a single self injection each day for about 10 – 12 days over a few cycles. I did respond and ovulated once, maybe twice but it wasn’t enough to address all the other issues that were going on like my progesterone levels.

We then tried a few cycles including the HCG injection to stimulate ovulation. The idea of HCG is that it acts like a trigger, it’s why sometimes you will hear it referred to as the “trigger shot”. Human chorionic gonadotropin “HCG” may be injected after completed ovarian stimulation (Puregon) and ovulation will occur between 38 and 40 hours after a single HCG injection.

This worked for us! It was our first confirmed pregnancy!! We lost our little bean unfortunately as an early miscarriage at 5w3d as my hormone levels just couldn’t support a pregnancy on my own. However with every negative there is a positive and this was our first glimmer of hope that we could actually get pregnant. Now we just had to find a way to master keeping a little bean in there.

Step 4.  After a much needed break from it all, we decided we were ready to try at it again in August 2013. We continued to do Puregon and HCG Injections but this time we also included Intrauterine Insemination, also known as “IUI”. IUI on it’s own really isn’t a ‘high tech’ procedure compared to other treatment options however it is usually the last step in the process before considering what I would call my ‘Step 5, In Vitro’ treatments. In IUI, sperm after semen washing is introduced into the uterus at around the time of ovulation, with the aim of getting the sperm nearer to the egg and is generally combined with fertility drugs (i.e. Puregon and HCG). If your interested in more info on IUI I found a few links that have useful information that you might like to check out., and

Step 5. Now for most people Step 5 is most likely going to be In Vitro Fertilisation “IVF”, however in my case I have been fortunate enough to be going through the only fertility clinic in Australia that have the specialists and know how to be able to offer In Vitro Maturation or “IVM”. Now, until the last couple of months so many people ask me “what is IVM?” and it’s simply because it is still considered an experimental procedure in most cases and not really offered by many clinics anywhere but slowly it is being recognised as a very promising alternative for patients who have PCOS. PCOS patients are ideal candidates for this treatment! So before I share my experience with IVM I best tell you what it is, or at least give you the links to get further information.

“For women with polycystic ovarian disease (PCO or PCOS/PCOD), there maybe side-effects (including ovarian hyper stimulation syndrome, OHSS) when being treated by standard IVF technology. This is because the polycystic ovary is sensitive to the drugs that are used for ovarian stimulation, often resulting in over or under response (no or few eggs collected through to too many eggs collected). IVM can be used as an alternative for these women. In this treatment little or no ovarian stimulation is required and the eggs are collected from the ovary when they are small and quite immature. The eggs are then placed in special culture solutions in the laboratory to mature. Once matured they can be fertilised and developed to suitable stage embryos for transfer back to the uterus.” (Thanks to for letting me “copy & paste” this bit!)

Here is a brief video about IVM or you can read up on a whole heap more or this article has recently come out too

So for those of you who already know a bit about traditional IVF, you all know that there is a need to have a lot of hormone’s and injections right?!? Well in my experience IVM is so much less invasive and other than a quick jab once a day and taking a couple of hormone pills that’s about it as for gearing up for Egg Retrieval. It was for this reason along with less side effects and reduced risk of hyper stimulation that we chose this as our first option before considering IVF. We live so far away from our clinic, in fact we travel 650km each way to go for our check up’s and procedures, so the last thing we would need is for me to suffer from OHSS and end up needing to be hospitalised or to risk cancellation of a cycle.

In a nut shell this is the basics of what I experienced with IVM.

  • Birth control pills for minimum 21 days before cycle can start (I know ironic isn’t it!!)
  • On Cycle Day “CD” 2 there is an ultrasound to check number of small follicles on my ovaries and a blood test to ensure that my hormone levels are adequate to begin treatment
  • CD 3 I start on my daily injections of FSH which is meant to be approximately 3 days at 150 IU however I think I ended up on 5 days as I didn’t respond as quickly as they would have hoped to get my little follicles to grow just a tiny bit more
  • CD 6 another blood test and ultrasound to check how things are going in there
  • This varies but around CD 9 of my cycle I had the egg collection which is a inpatient day surgery procedure. For those of you who are nervous about surgery like I was, well I was actually surprised how well I recovered from this. I was expecting a lot of discomfort and pain but it was fairly mild and nothing that some standard pain killers and a day of rest couldn’t help with
  • Now you sit around and wait for daily updates from the clinic, first will be the call the next day to see if the eggs that were collected were able to mature overnight in the lab. The eggs that managed to do this will now by injected with sperm directly into each egg using the technique called ICSI
  • 3 days after ICSI has been performed you will get another update to see if any of your eggs have made it to this stage but really what they need is for your little eggs to make it to Day 5 Blastocyst for transfer. This is where the magic all happens and you have your Egg Transfer. I was expecting more, its kind of funny really. You go through all this, so much lead up to the event and it all comes down to a 5 minute procedure where they insert one of your successful eggs into your  uterus and then its all done! Just like that. The hardest part of this is holding your bladder and trying not to wee everywhere with the nurse pushing down on your stomach with the ultrasound thingy!
  • The waiting game begins with the dreaded 2WW although but I went in for my blood test 10 days after transfer so didn’t have to wait quite this long.

Along with the above your hormone regime is normally taking Progynova around the time of egg collection and Crinone or another form of Progesterone Pessaries which are continued until there is feedback on your results from the pregnancy test and if you are pregnant then you stay on progesterone through the first trimester.

We have completed 2 cycles of IVM, the first being a fresh cycle and the second was using our only frozen embryo. We became pregnant with our first transfer and I can’t tell you how thrilled we were! It worked, first time and it worked. Again, this wasn’t meant to be our time and we had a chemical pregnancy at 4 1/2 weeks. We are trying again shortly for our 3rd IVM cycle or 2nd Fresh IVM cycle at the beginning of April.

Step 6. I haven’t got this far yet but because this is most couple’s Step 5 I thought I should add a mention here about what it is, I just can’t give any insight from my own experience on this one. If you are looking for some good information about IVF then click on this link and it will explain it all for you IVF, In Vitro Fertilisation. For me, IVF is my last resort and I hope I don’t have to go to this step and I am quietly confident that we will have success from our IVM treatment.

If anyone reading this post who has experienced IVF, perhaps you could mention a little about your experiences here too? Feel free to write!

This is my journey so far, all of the above over 2 1/2 years and this is why I think it is so important to be as prepared as you can be and the whole reason I wrote this post in the first place. I wanted to do my bit to help educate women by sharing a little experience in hope that it just might help you out. It’s overwhelming enough to know that sometimes you need to consider medical intervention to try and start your family, but being geared with the knowledge of what your options are or what the road ahead might look like can just help to take the sting out of it all.

The last topic I wanted to briefly cover is being prepared for MISCARRIAGE. I know, its a horrible subject and something you pray never happens to you, but the reality is particularly for women with PCOS that this is a reality and something you may just be confronted with at some stage. I look back to my first miscarriage and I was devastated. My whole world shattered and I couldn’t function for a while and I struggled to eat, talk and sleep. Now that I have travelled further along my journey and suffered a second miscarriage, I wish that back then I was at least prepared enough with the information to know that miscarriage was a possibility. I was so wrapped up and excited about finally getting pregnant that I didn’t hear my doctor or boyfriend warning me to take it day by day or to be careful not to get to attached too soon. You see when you are going through Assisted Fertility, we tend to know we are pregnant long before any women going through a natural cycle would. So we see our positive pregnancy results bang on 4 weeks or a little earlier and you start jumping for joy! Now I am not saying not to be thankful for your blessing, I’m just saying don’t forget to remind yourself that it’s still early days and anything could happen ok. It’s not going to take the pain away if it does happen, but it helps just that little bit that you were somewhat prepared for the possibility.

And finally, yep we are a unique bunch and we come with a whole heap of our own issues. We tend to be moody as hell, we suffer from occasional acne break outs, we sometimes carry a little more weight than we wish we did and try and wear clothes to conceal the extra tyre we have acquired around our middle, we might shave in places once thought men would only shave and we know that one day if we don’t watch what we eat and manage our lifestyles that we are at risk of diabetes and heart disease. But us PCOS women are fighters and we don’t give up. Yes we have moments along the way that we feel we are losing it but we know this is a long road and we can’t lose sight of our dreams and desires and we work that much harder to achieve what we have visualised for such a long time until it is our reality.

My thoughts and best wishes are with all of you and just don’t lose sight of your dreams! xx

Update, I know it’s been too long!

I haven’t updated for too long, I have thought about it several times but I have avoided acknowledging the events that took place the last few months which I guess included my blog too.

I had my first ivm with icsi treatment in December and we fell pregnant on our first cycle. I was thrilled, until we unfortunately had our second miscarriage at 4 1/2 weeks.

We decided to use our only frozen embryo and try again in February, which we did and it was a big fat negative.

So here we are, it’s March and I am heading into a fresh Ivm with icsi cycle at the end of the month and heading into April. I am holding onto hope and praying our miracle comes soon. We are now in our third active year of trying to conceive, I think we are up to cycle 22 or 23 of assisted fertility and I am starting to tire out a bit. I can’t wait to live more than month to month and start to be able to see the future and excitement of planning for more than just the next cycle ahead.

Hope everyone has been well and I’ll be sure I update again closer to my cycle starting.


Waiting To Get This Show On The Road

This post is just to let you all know that I haven’t dropped off the radar, I am just stuck in limbo, being the weeks leading up to our FET. I actually thought we would have been at this stage already this week but I was wrong. I have been on the Oestrogen / Progynova 2mg tablets 3 times a day for weeks now, I think I am around CD14. I had my first endometrium scan for the cycle on Monday and for CD12 it was at 7.5mm and looking great.

The fertility nurse called back later that day and advised they want me to stay on the Oestrogen until Tuesday next week and go in for another scan and blood work. This will make it around CD20, here I was thinking this was getting on a bit and late in a “normal” cycle but no it gets later. So I called them back the next day just to confirm from there what will happen if they are happy with the lining thickness, does that mean I book a flight for the next morning to come down and do the Embryo Transfer? Apparently not, I forgot all about Progesterone coming up too! So from Tuesday next week I have a minimum of 7 days on Progesterone Pessaries before they will do the FET, so at this stage I think I am looking at around the 4th of February 2014.

Normally this wouldn’t bother me too much, it’s just I have so much travel coming up for weddings all over the place, the first wedding is a few days after the potential transfer so I am praying the timing all works out ok. I guess these weddings will be a very sober affair for me! Wedding season and fertility treatment is not the best combination, we literally have 3 weddings in different states in the next 8 weeks! And just to add a bit more craziness to the mix, after nearly 3 months of not working since leaving my job, here I am again applying for work! Sucker for punishment this one!!

For the time being this is the best update I can give, everything is a waiting gate and to get this show on the road is going to be another week or so yet. I will be sure to keep you posted of any progress! 🙂

I once posted that Infertility no longer defines me, that it no longer had a hold on my life and I refused to give it power. Rather I chose acceptance, identified with it and made steps in my life to keep moving forward, to believe that everything I dreamt of, visualised and hoped for will one day come to fruition.

This week has made me question my beliefs and had a temporary lapse in my way of thinking. I wouldn’t call myself overly religious but I do believe that there is a higher power out there that somehow exists in all of this. I am not sure that I call “it” God, but in times of weakness and deep sadness with this weeks events I found myself crying, alone in my bedroom, staring towards the ceiling and managing to muffle out the words ; “why me?”, “why is this happening again?”, “was I not grateful enough?”, “am I not worthy of such a blessing”, “is this pain meant to teach me a lesson?”, “is this pain meant to strengthen my spirit and make me more resilient”, “why?!?” “I don’t understand”, “why are you taking another one from me?”. Of course there would be no response, but I needed to feel like I could scream out how I was feeling and release it so it didn’t consume me. Miscarriage number 2, confirmed today by my second beta…..3.

As I am sure it has with so many walking a similar path to my own, this journey can’t help but not only change you, but also change the relationships around you. For me, my boyfriend and I have had our love and strength tested so many times. Over the last 2 years we have had many moments, the most recent as last night. I forget how this must affect him; it’s not happening to his body but it must be hard, the reoccurring disappointment and frustrations of it all. It must be frustrating and heartbreaking for men who stand by their woman trying to be strong but on the inside feeling completely helpless and trying to process their own hurt and emotions that they don’t even quite understand. He said a few things to me last night that really hurt at first. I couldn’t get why he would say such things…. “I just want this all over”, “I want the old you back before all of this”, “I don’t want out lives to be on hold anymore, I want to move forward and put this behind us”, “I want the you that wasn’t fucked up with hormones that drive you insane”, “I just want us back!”. I left the room, completely silent, walked away and cried… again alone. He went out to his man cave, cranked up the music and I didn’t see him for hours.

In the meantime I messaged my mum, I needed her words of wisdom to help pick me up from this dark place I find myself in. Her response could not have been more perfect. She wrote:

“sweetheart, I’m hearing you, but here’s the thing. Everything you just said is exactly the kind of thing that someone says when major life changes force the relationship to change. Changing or losing a job, illness, having a child, moving home, etc. All these life events cause enormous shifts in what we think is normal. You know the normal we refer to when we say I wish things were back to the way they were etc. The thing is there is no possibility of experiencing change, growth and development without experiencing the struggle, adjustment, challenge and new experience. What you are going through, the both of you, is actually similar to what you will go through when you become parents. Perhaps you both need to reflect on that and consider the possibility that the universe if offering you a glimpse and an opportunity? I have never been a person to regret my choices and decisions in life, as I believe we make our choices and decisions with the best of the knowledge we have at the time. Neither of you should get caught up in the emotional garbage that comes with such a huge life experience such as that which you are both going through. Try if you can to ride with it. Learn about and from each other. Honour each others god given right to experience events and circumstances in whatever way it happens, and don’t try to change each other or each others thoughts. Just accept and be receptive to what is. It is what it is, and then move forward. What you are experiencing is normal, expected and temporary. I pray that you find a way to reach through what may seem to be an insurmountable mountain. Love mum xx” 


I am so thankful for my mum’s wise words, she always knows what to say and how to pick me up. Her words helped me find my strength again, to get on with things, find a way forward and restore my faith. My boyfriend came back inside, he sincerely apologised for his outburst and I accepted his apology. So this was all last night, and this morning I was able to wake up feeling a little stronger than yesterday, and I hope every morning gets that little bit easier. I spoke to the fertility nurse today, the doctors had discussed my situation and we all agreed it best that we go straight into another cycle using our frozen embryo. So here we go again! This time I am staying away from HPT’s, TWW sites that analyse every symptom and just going to get on with life and wait until the blood test. The agony that HPT’s cause is not worth it. They amp you up to get so excited and then there is always the possibility your whole world can come crashing down, so this time “What’s meant to be will always find its way”.

9dp5dt first Beta was 36, diminishing hope :(

It has been a couple of days since my first BETA but only yesterday that I received the call. My beta was only 36 for 9dp5dt. Before she even said it I knew she was ringing with less than perfect news. The tone in her voice when I answered the phone said enough, words were not needed.

I thought going through my first miscarriage was painful enough, to think this is happening again is heartbreaking. I have been told to prepare for the worst however there is still a chance I just had a low first beta so I go in for my second beta Monday.

I couldn’t tell you how many times I prayed this cycle, how many times I spoke to what ever higher power is out there, how many times I spoke to an empty room and said thank you thank you thank you for my blessing out loud in hope that all this gratitude I was expressing would somehow make this little one stick and grow my chances of being a mum.

I never wanted to think about our Plan B, our lonely embryo in the freezer, it is now however feeling like this is becoming our new reality… round 2! I shouldn’t be thinking all this already but my mind is going faster than I can keep up with and I’m thinking how are we going to fit in round 2 as quickly as I want to? I don’t think we can. February I am away for much of the month so its feeling like we will have to wait until beginning of March. IF that’s the case; I will probably want to do a fresh cycle IVM / ICSI and hope to retrieve more eggs in hope we have enough for one to transfer and more to freeze. Perhaps then if we need future cycles we will have enough to do FET instead for a while. I hate thinking like this but it feels like its the new reality ahead.

I still pray there is a glimmer of hope to hold onto that Monday there is a rise in the beta number, something in me however knows better and that I may need to come to terms with the fact that this just hasn’t quite worked out to be the fairy tale ending I was hoping for in our first IVM cycle.

I will be sure to update Tuesday.

7dp5dt BFP! Happy New Years

I am completely on the run tonight so I can’t put everything in this post that I want too but I needed to tell you all I have my Early BFP!

Today I am 7dp5dt for our 1st IVM with ICSI cycle and I have never prayed or remained as positive as I tried to this cycle. I started testing way early, at 5dp5dt and there was the faintest of faint lines. I woke at 5am this morning and just had to test again, and got this!

A little nervous the line isn’t very dark but if have no idea what it should look like at 7dp5dt. I’m praying it is darker tomorrow.

My official beta is Thursday at 9dp5dt, does anyone know what a reasonable number would be to expect? I have had an early miscarriage before and the thought of going through it again scares me through and through. Trying to hold on to as much positiveness as I can and for now enjoy that I am currently pregnant!